First post since my vow to continue sharing my life with you, whomever you may be...
It'll be short, as I am packing fervently for a trip and running out of time faster than that. But Thoreau said, "Write while the heat is in you", thus this rambling...

An epiphany has just hit my head, or my heart, rather. Seems as though it's hit my head many times in the past, but I suppose my heart has just come into a place to receive it.

I have joy (not the epiphany), yes. And I share it with others (not it). But I'm choosy as to whom I bless with it. I realize I've felt as if it's mine to control.
(cue epiphany...)

It's not.

God gave me joy. Something that, as a child/teen, was sparse. Something I strove for. I was prophesied over in July of last summer that I would begin to experience great joy in the next few years in my walk with God and in my walk with others. OTHERS.

I have. It's begun, and I love it.

Why do I feel like, just because somebody has hurt me, broken trust, etc., I have a right to withhold contagious joy from them? It seems such a trivial understanding, once you understand it. gah, that's annoying.

Bill Johnson said you can't simply experience "Kingdom Joy" Spiritually. It will find a way to manifest itself physically as well.

Otherwise it will die.

Joy is given to a person for that person's use and enJOYment (<--see what I did there? baha), yes, but it was also meant to be used as a tool in your "spiritual tool belt", if you will.

I like my joy. I don't want it to die.

Don't let your joy die, please.


Oh and another thing (afterthought, sorry), if you don't have joy, and you want joy, try giving yourself away.

Give time. laughter. love.

love someone. love love love more.


serve. give joy to someone else. it will come back.

I haven't blogged in a month and a half.

There are a couple reasons.

Sometimes, you just have to take a step back and not try to give the world answers.
And then what's left are the questions, muses, and difficulties of life, and those are often something I keep to God and my journal.

Also, today, one of my favorite photographers, Jeremy Cowart, began a "hashtag" trend on Twitter called #vhv ... though he has not revealed what this abbreviation means yet, he asked his followers to accompany this tag with confessions of questions and voices that run through their heads all day and night;voices that discourage them from dreaming. thoughts that make them question their abilities to succeed and do well. I replied with a second-guessing that reveals itself often in my head, that I'm attempting to force myself into having the photographic eye needed to succeed in the art I love so much, but after this, I began thinking about other things, and it brought to mind my blog. Something that I haven't been doing for long and something not many people "follow". But I realized part of what has kept me from updating recently is this attack inside my head, saying "what you're writing is of no importance, and even if it is, no one sees it anyway". Many times I've gone to write an entry and the devil has gotten to me first. I fed up with that.

I also read a blog post by another favorite photog of mine, Scott Bourne, entitled "If I Were To Go Pro Today" and part of his advice is "do the first thing, no matter how small". He explains - in much truth too - how so many amateur photogs want to soar high so early, but need to realize you have to get up and make something happen, no matter how intimidated you are, no matter how much you think it's a waist of time.

This I believe applies to many aspects of life - even to my doing something as mere as blogging. and beyond..

It applies to faith - believing in the smallest glimmer of hope when everything sucks.

It applies to current circumstances - when life has become boring and monotonous. You can change that, and you're going to have to make it happen, but it's going to be hard and long. It's going to require changes in people around you, maybe work areas, it's going to require an adaptability in yourself, and maybe in your family as well. And all this will have to be done one small step at a time.

It applies to healing - when shutting down is easier than long roads of pain, and after experimentally taking one huge, exceptionally hard step in the right direction, you realize how much farther you have to go.

In so many ways, my life entails each of these in this moment.

But words of Jamie Tworkowski come to mind, "You're not alone. There is hope."

Maybe I can continue you muse publicly now, because those words are true.

I'm reading The Purpose Driven Life.

Chapter five is entitled "Seeing Life From God's View" and in it, Rick asks what your view of life is, whether it be a roller coaster, a journey, etc.
The first thing that came to mind was that life is a canvas, and not only is God the Artist, He is the Art Teacher, teaching us how to do this thing called 'life'.

Rick went on to point out the three things the Bible says life is, and number one is that life is a test.. And that one of the most important tests in life is how you act when you can't feel God's presence (He referred to the story of Hezekiah in 2 Chronicles 32:31)
Sometimes, God withdraws His presence from us to test our character and reveal our weaknesses, and, by doing so, He prepares us for more responsibility.

Lately, even though I feel like I'm in such a crucial place in life, especially with school looming, I feel like God has backed off a bit. I haven't really understood it and it's been frustrating, to say the least. So after I read this, I decided to back up and look at the difference in my own self and choices when I don't feel God's presence..
And the I've found is sad.

When He isn't around...

I worry about money.

I will deal with pain before I will pray for it's healing.

I'm more prone to immoral thinking and, beyond that...

justifying immoral thinking.

I pick fights, especially in the family, to solve problems.

Instead of backing up and making sure I'm not in the wrong,
I assume I'm right all the time.

And another thing I don't want to admit to, though it's the truth...

I spend more time wandering in my imagination instead of in reality...

because, once again, without God's presence and, therefore, without His peace for the present, and hope for the future,

life is a terrifying place to spend your existence.

In everyday life, without God, I become a coward to the hard parts of it all and my first instinct is to retreat.

Now that I noticed this, I began praying and asking Him why He's doing this. What is He trying to teach me at such a pivotal point in life? And for the first time in over a week, I heard Him speak clearly to me.

He basically said He needs to see how much I'll strive for Him.

When He is ever-present and I can call on Him, His guidance, and His peace anytime I want it, It's easy to want Him and everything He has to offer, but what about when He is no longer convenient? What about when He isn't the easiest choice or the easiest to find? What lengths will I go to to be with Him?
He then paused while I pondered this 'slapping-of-the-spirit', if you will, and then, clear as a winter's night, He said, "How bad do you want me?"

How badly do I want him...

Enough to forget physical desires, even when I feel like He's not around?
Enough to focus on the life in front me instead of pulling off silly imaginings to keep me comforted?
Enough to daily persevere in the growing of my spirit, even if the Art Teacher isn't in the classroom?

I sat there a while, trying to answer those questions.

This is where the road forks. I, right now, have the decision to make.
Do I want Him badly enough to give up what I want, the things my body and mind want, and make chase of Him, when all I see is black and I can't hear His voice anymore?

Even to the point of giving up my dreams, though they may have been God-given, to follow Him elsewhere, if He asked me to?

Badly enough to take up the cross in front of me?

Talk about a breakdown.

This would be my little brother, off to his first prom. Cute as a button and growing into a very good hearted young man.

Haiti

Watch this and hear about what Charity: Water is doing in Haiti and learn how you can help.



Charity: Water is now partnering with Invisible Children



Invisible Children + Charity: Water + Haiti provided by INVISIBLE CHILDREN

"These signs will accompany those who have believed: in My name they will cast out demons, they will speak with new tongues;they will pick up serpents, and if they drink any deadly poison, it will not hurt them; they will lay hands on the sick, and they will recover." - Mark 16:17-18

Care to hear a rather amazing story? 'Cause I have a pretty amazing one to tell.

Note the adorable little dog seen here, for he is the most spoiled rotten, funniest, stupidest, most conniving little critter on the planet. Blindly loved by many, punished by few. But He sure is thankful today to have the "God fearin' mama" that he does...

This morning, I was in bed, just beginning to rouse from sleep around 8:45. I had gotten in from a wedding late lastnight and had resolved to sleep in this morning instead of going to church.
In my rousing, bleary eyed state, I suddenly hear, through my propped-open window, a rather shrill woman's scream from outside. The neighborhood isn't the most quiet, in general, so I didn't think anything of it. But then I heard two women vigorous talking to each other (one of them being my mother's voice, but the other voice was the one in hysterics). Then I hear the hysterical voice say, "Oh my gosh oh my gosh! is that your dog? Is he hurt!?" I bolted upright in bed and took off outside to see my mother across the street in the neighbor's yard, squatting down, cradling our 5 year old Pomeranian, Swiffer, while our neighbor and her two daughters are standing over her, crying. He had just been hit by a car while attempting to get to the neighbor's dog across the street. My stomach dropped. This dog is practically my mom's best friend. Spoiled rotten. This can't happen.

If I may back up a moment.. what had happened before I'd emerged from the house was this: mom had just pulled into the driveway and had Swiffer in the car with her. Soon as she opened the door, Swiffer saw the neighbor's little Terrier across the street and took off for it. Mom began shouting at him to come back, and sometimes he'll listen, but this time he didn't. He stopped short of being hit my the first car coming, but immediately after it past, took off again and got hit by the second one behind it. He apparently went clean under the front wheel and rolled to a stop behind the car. He start howling and attempting to get out of the road, but his whole back end wouldn't work. It was warped behind him and was useless, so he just laid down in the road, whimpering. Mom ran to him and picked him up and took him to the neighbor's yard. By this time, the woman and her two daughters had begun to, shall I say, completely lose it, and the woman began shouting, "oh my gosh! we need to get him to a vet! but it's Sunday, no one is open! He's going to have broken bones and internal injuries, I don't know if they'll be able to save him. I hate this, he's going to be cripple for the rest of his life, what are you gonna do?". My mom, soon as she'd picked him up, had began praying over him, and told the woman, "it's okay, I'm just gonna pray over him a minute. I have a rather big God..." So she did. Meanwhile, the man who hit him turned around and came back and asked if he was ok. Mom just waved him on and said she's just gonna hold him a minute, so the guy left. It, after all, wasn't his fault, the dog practically ran up under him.

This is when I came out, just in time to see my mother put Swiffer on the ground. She put him down and he stood up straight and began walking. Then he spotted the other little dog that was his original target and began running after him to play. He was fine. The woman began crying even harder and saying she never would've believed such a story unless she'd seen it with her own eyes, but that that dog shouldn't even be alive right now. So mom stood there for a few and talked to the woman and her daughters about God and His faithfulness and power. Then she proceeded to bring my dog back to the house and carry on with the day.

At the end of last year, I was on the way home from Charleston one night when I saw a dog get hit by the car in front of me. I stopped and put on my emergency blinkers until I could get him out of the road. When I got close to him, he tried to run away from me, but his whole back end wouldn't work, so he just laid down, just like my dog did this morning. After the police got there and a couple that had stopped with me offered to take him to the Vet ER, we began to see blood filling his mouth and nose. I don't know what happened to him after that night, but I can only imagine the damage that had been done.

This should've happened to my dog this morning. He should've, after a couple of minutes, been bleeding from internal injuries. And he should've died. But God knows the things that are important to us. No, a dog doesn't have a spirit and isn't able to become a Christ follower or be saved, but God knew he was important to my mom and the rest of our family. And in the Biblical story, when the woman who pushed her way through the throng of people to touched Jesus' robe so she would be healed, He turned to her and said, "YOUR faith has healed you. Go and be free."
It IS God's power that heals. But what many don't realize is that power has been given to us. It's sitting inside of every believer, waiting to be used. But it takes our stepping out in faith for it to be manifested. Mom said she realized while walking back to the house, that she had put God on the spot by proclaiming that He would heal her dog, but Bill Johnson, Pastor of Bethel Church in Redding, CA, says quite often that we should take advantage of grim situations that are impossible for man to turn around, and then give those situations over to God, because God would HAVE to show up in order for it to be done. And that, in turn, brings more glory to His kingdom. This was not a premeditated notion that mom had, she just took action in the first thing that came to mind, and that was the promise God gave that His people have the power to "...lay hands on the sick, and they will recover."
It touched me. My brothers have been asking to hear the details of the story all day, and the woman and her daughters said that they had been so down and depressed when they woke up this morning, but this miracle had turned that around.

God knows what He's doing. He knows our hearts and what means the most to us. He knows when people who need to be touched the most are watching, like this mother and her daughters.

He said that these signs SHOULD and WILL follow those that believe. Not that they might sometimes, or they might if it's His will. They will.

It's a good day for a miracle.

My day off. It's raining;has been since I woke up. They go together. It creates a sense of reflection in one's head, I suppose. I spent some time at BAM today, studying, reading, journaling. Me and God time. People's heads go tilt when you open a Bible in a coffee shop, and old business women look at you like you're drooling. funny.
I've come to realize my life is a day-by-day experiment. How far can I push things? How much can I learn? How quickly can I hear God answer after I ask him a question?
My mother told me a story recently about when she was 13 and was just beginning to learn what faith truly meant. She was in love with Donnie Osmand and saw that he and his siblings were coming to town, so she decided to stretch her faith. She prayed for God to provide a way to go to the concert. He did so the same day. So then she decided she would test her limits... see how far this faith thing actually went. She began believing God would provide an opportunity for her to meet Osmand. People told her she was crazy. Long story shorter, she went, she met him, out of hundreds of girls, she alone walked into rehearsal and met him and his family. God didn't have to give her that. It wasn't a life altering thing, but He did, because He was teaching a little girl that her Daddy loved her and wanted to provide.
I'm 7 or so years behind, but this is my similar walk. Day by day, I wake up, and I ask God to please give me the perseverance to press on in this faith walk. I have less than 2 weeks to acquire half my tuition and I don't see it. It's not here. But I can't not believe in Him. He has become everything to me and I can't help but take Him at His promises. I walked on the beach today while it was drizzling. To see fog over the ocean...it seems like it just drops in nothing. How does God put 20 different colors in a sunrise and make them look beautiful? What am I, that He should be mindful of me? I don't know, but He is. He said so.


I'm presently getting little grass hoppers in my tummy thinking about moving to the other side of the country in 2 months, though it's only through the summer. Maybe one of the best parts about it is I have a purpose in doing it. I'm moving towards something, and not just searching for something, or worse, running away from something. There are two dreams that occupy my thoughts daily, hourly, every spare moment, not to mention my night's dreams frequently: the art of photographic expression and the hearts in Africa. They have been present for years, but now they are my constant companions. It's tiring at some times. But the exciting part is, unlike many that I know, I get to do my dream.
Bill Johnson said once that God is timeless. He lives outside of time, and He has come from your future to your present and placed a muse or dream or word inside you that will get you to where He is with you in the future. I know this to be true because it has begun to happen, like I said, daily. A third dream that is with me always is a warrior of a dream, contending greatly with my focus. I pray God gives him the wits, guts, and running shoes to keep up with my insanity. But we won't go there now.

This post has surely gone on too long. Just know I love rainy days.

...ps-those pictures were taken with an iPhone. Forgive the poor quality :)

sayonara.