I found this picture in my external earlier. It's from a trip I took to DC last year. Every once in a while, I'll run across a picture that makes me do a double take, because (tooting no horns) it's a good picture. And then an 8th of a second later, I remember "oh yeah, I took that" and it makes me feel good.

My mom is a photographer. She did more before us kids were born and when we were little, but she still likes to fiddle with it and take weddings here and there. She still loves it. I've had people tell me that my desire to pursue photography wasn't my own dream, that I was pulling off of my mother's dreams because I was afraid of my own. Those people didn't realize the passion that I have inside of me for it. I've never thought I was good, just okay I suppose, but people really love my work.
For years now, every time I would look at one of my pictures, I would get this little ache at the point of my ribcage right in front. Not a happy ache (if those exist), but a sort of longing, and I didn't know where it was coming from. I've prayed a lot about it and I know now that it's because I feel like I don't have the talent or means of pursuing this passion. Like that ache that a person gets in their old age while thinking about what could have been, except I'm on this side, thinking of what I want to do, and not knowing if I would ever be good enough...

Good enough. a statement that has always plagued me. Satan knows my weak points and he uses them to the max. I love photography and I love that I have a God-given eye for it, and he constantly tries to take that away from me. I've decided that I'm going to photography school at RMSP out west this summer. I can't express to you just how terrified I am. Tuition like you wouldn't believe, and it all coming out of my pocket, moving 2,500 miles away from home for 3 months. No turning back. God knows I can't do this on my own. And, when this summer is through, everyone will know it wasn't me who made me succeed. I think He wants it that way. He gets the glory. And I'm fine with that. I'm just scared. The devil is trying to get into my head and make me back out and I can't let him. It's a hard battle to fight. But God is good, all the time.

Jim Brandenburg is one of the lead photographers for National Geographic. He's my inspiration. He's also a believer, and I love that God has placed him in such an amazing position as he has. He has the job I've always-ALWAYS-wanted. Maybe I'll be there someday.

Look at his stuff and be amazed - http://www.jimbrandenburg.com
Read his stuff too, it's just as good - http://jimbrandenburg.blogspot.com/

..maybe I'll be there one day.

This morning I'm looking up verses to support a 5k run two of my friends and I are orchestrating to raise money for building an African pastor and his family a house in Tintergate, Queenstown, South Africa (any suggestions, by the way, are perfectly welcome). I've been looking for a while and began to get a bit frustrated when nothing was really coming to me, so I just simply prayed "God I need your help here. I don't know where to look." From there, I went to biblegateway.com and typed something in and it brought up Galations 5:6-10, which says:

"For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.
You were running a good race. Who cut in on you and kept you from obeying the truth? That kind of persuasion does not come from the one who calls you. 'A little yeast works through the whole batch of dough.' I am confident in the Lord that you will take no other view. The one who is throwing you into confusion will pay the penalty, whoever he may be."

This doesn't really have much to do with my search, but it spoke to me things I needed to hear about my own life. I read it and it gave me peace, and I realized, once again, I had asked God for something, expecting one type of answer, and He gave me a different kind. Granted, one that didn't much apply to what I was needing at the time, but one I needed for myself. Who knows, maybe getting something out of this verse will help me find another that I need for my task at another time. But something God has been showing me lately is the answers you think are the ones you need to hear, are not always the ones you need to hear. Back in July of '09, a prophetic speaker came to our church. I had been going through a bunch of things and just wanted to hear if God had something to say to me, so I went. The whole time this guy was teaching, I kept thinking, "God, I just need to hear You. I just need to know what to do next in this certain situation, or whether or not to take this path or that one." I wanted specific answers. The Pastor didn't speak to me in front of everyone like he did for most of the others, but after it was over, he came to me and said "I have a word for you." He told me that The things of the past I was holding onto, needed to be let go of. I was expecting him to say that, if I did this, a certain thing pertaining to my recent inquiries would happen, or not happen, or that I would get an answer to this or that, but he didn't. After he said that, all he said was, "You're going to experience great Joy in these next few years, stop worrying."
I, of course, began to weep profusely. My heart had been touched.
Since then, God has, in many situations, further shown me that He hears me, He hears my cries and my questions, but that I don't always need the answers I think I need. He answers in the way that will help me best. The way that's going to further my walk with Him. I've never forgotten that God promised me Joy. I would've appreciated some direct answers to my specific issues at the time, but those words wouldn't have lasted past the solving of those problems. A promise, however, of everlasting Joy, lasts a lifetime. I'm already experiencing it.

Maybe the verse I found isn't exactly the one I need, but God gave it to me. Now I need to look in my own heart, see where it applies, and find out why. I'm thankful.

I'm visiting friends in the upstate this weekend to start off the new year. we've had some great times over the past couple day, but one thing I always look forward to on my weekends up here is going to church at a place down town called Radius. It's a small branch of a church based out of Columbia and it is amazing. It's in an old, run down, cathedral-type church and is made up of mostly college age kids and young adults. The teacher there is named Stuart, along with his wife, Gretchen, and their two daughters. He is one of the most amazing speakers I've ever heard. I'm sad I don't live up this way because I absolutely love to hear what he has to say about the Bible and God and just life in general.
Tonight, though, he spoke of his recent trip to Israel. He showed pictures from a cliff side they had visited that was believed to be the nearest cliff to Nazareth that had Limestone in it, meaning that it was probably where Jesus, along with Joseph, had many times come to gather stone for supplies and for carving [recent scholars believe that Joseph was a stone maker, as well as a carpenter]. It was a powerful thing to see. He also showed pictures of Herod's palace and explained the way it was built.
The thing, however, that he settled to teach on was the temple of God and how we fit into our places in the kingdom. Back then, when you built very large structures, like a palace, you had to use lime stones of different shapes and sizes and place them all in different directions, pointing this way and that, three small ones on top of a big one, and so on, because it would stand the weight better. He focused on the verse that says we are the temple of God and Jesus is our Cornerstone. And in conclusion, he summed that we ourselves are not individual temples, like has been referenced many time in the past, even to me, by other pastors and elders, but we are each one of those stones, being different shapes, sizes, having different battle scars and having been chiseled out on the side of a mountain differently than anyone else. He also stressed how vital we are to the structure of the temple. God made each of us to fit in a certain space on the side of His temple, and when we don't follow Him and let Him mold us into the shape he needs us, we will not fit into our place.
I've been thinking a lot tonight about my desires to be in Africa right now. And one thing that's always been a problem for me is the people in America who seem to not even care about the people who are starving in other countries, the people who are lost, the children who will not grow up with strong parental role models because they're dead, or don't care. This had always plagued my thoughts, but now I realize that, though my best friend, Katherine, has no other desire than to meet someone, start a family and be an American Housewife for the rest of her life, and the fact that my brother wants to start a career early so he can retire early and spend his days fishing in the bay...in the same town we live in now, or that my other good friend wants to go through five years of college just to turn around and teach it to other people, that doesn't mean they're on the wrong track. Their stone is chiseled differently than mine. This knowledge has been with me for years. I know everyone in the world shouldn't be in another country, living in an orphanage or sleeping in a mud hut, and I know that people support me in my aspirations, but it seemed tonight, when he said it that way, it clarified a bit more. And it gave me more peace about my direction. That's what I need right now. I'm thankful.

So I'm already a sucky blogger. I didn't even mention in my last post my reason for telling my story from the last year. so here you go.

I've learned a lot thus far. My eyes become opened more and more each day, and if I can share some of what I've learned and continue to learn, then, well, that's my goal.

More to come, promise.

I'm currently spending wonderful time with 3 of my grandest friends. Haley, Harvin and Ticcoa are a blessing in my life and have helped me in my walk tremendously. I thank God for them. One thing I've learn is God will place people in your life as you need them. He will never leave you stranded without human companionship. It's needed. It's how we were made. And I love Him for providing me with the ones He did when He did. They are special ones, to be sure.

a dream realized

I never make resolutions.

..But something I've been wanting to do for a while is start a blog. 2009 was the most amazing year of my life. Being that I'm only 19, this may not say much. Let me explain.

on January 19th, 2009, I had just gotten back into town from visiting friends in the upstate. I had traveled there with two of my very good friends and my younger brother, Josh. It hadn't been the past of holidays and the new year wasn't looking to promising, to say the least. But when I got home from this fun, refreshing, relaxing weekend, I couldn't figure out why I was still so melancholy and simply... discouraged with life. So I went to a coffee shop to sit and think a bit. I called one of the friends I had been traveling with earlier that day. I basically told her I was tired of trying to do this life. It wasn't working out and God had obviously forgotten about me and the purpose my heart was still vying for. I told her I felt like I was standing in a stadium and everyone around me was screaming and cheering at something, but I couldn't find the cause of the excitement. That was how my life...until that night.

After probably an hour or so of sitting in the coffee shop's courtyard and crying on the phone to my friend, I left for home. I was only about 15 miles from my house, which left me little time to think and pray and very little time to compose myself before I faced the members of my family. And I didn't much care for that. I live close to the beach, so I turned off onto the south causeway of the island and began talking out loud to God. Before I knew it, I was traveling at about 15mph, curled over my steering wheel, weeping. I began to cry louder and even scream, "God, I just want you here! I just want you beside me!". I wanted the world, time, life to stop and to just be able to sit with Jesus and hear his voice. And for the first time in my life, I felt the true sorrow God feels. He showed me that night what it feels like to be separated from us. Separated because of our distrust, our busy lives, our thinking we can do all this on our own. I began to cry even harder. At that point, I knew I didn't deserve one ounce of His guidance, Grace, vision, or sympathy. And all I could say was, "I just want you here. I'm sorry, I just want you here with me. forever." That moment changed everything...

Suddenly, I felt Him. He was there. He could've been sitting in my passenger's seat, for the feeling of closeness I had at that moment. I, in awe, drove slowly down the winding marshy road at no more than 10mph, My tears subsiding, resulting in total silence inside my car. Peace flowed over me like I had never felt before and I literally began to audibly sigh over and over. It was all I could do.
From that moment, I probably drove around for another hour before heading home. I just talked to God, and the beast part was, I could hear Him talk back. He cared. My heart was filled with so much Joy at the realization. We talked about the past, about things I've hurt over, about the future and my direction, about Him and about me and our relationship. It was perfect.

Since that cold, cloudy night in January, God has been ever present in my life. And you know why? because I've learned that I have to let Him be.
After that night, I realized I'd been following Him as it suited me, and not as He wills. When you turn your complete heart over to God, He will accept it and do great things with you. This past year has not been easy. It's been the hardest, most painful year of my life. But I'm alive inside. Things have been dealt with. Relationships reconciled, hurts forgiven. And all because I've opened up and let Him put me through His fire. He told me once that I needed to lower the shields around my heart and let Him fashion His own, because, in my blocking out the pain of others, I was blocking out Him, the only one to could make it better. And in doing so, my eyes have been opened. I've never felt more love, more hope than I do this day.

One of the dreams He placed in my heart a long time ago was a passion for Africa. When I was younger, I had no answer as to why I had such an interest in the countries there, but I loved reading about them, loved seeing specials on television about them, and as I grew older, I wanted to go there. I wanted to see the people and their cultures. When I was about 16, God began to brew a desire in my heart for missions, and as I've grown in Him, my heart for Africa has grown as well. In November '09 I finally got the chance to go visit the continent I had dreamed of for so many years. My church Has supported missionaries my the names of Ronnie and Janet Vehorn in South Africa for over 20 years. Their story alone is life altering, and I'll definitely tell it sometime. Ronnie had come to speak at our church in June of '09 while he and Mrs. Janet were in the states. And I fell in love, immediately, with what they were doing to help this country and these people. I went to the back of the church after the service was over and, not knowing this man from Adam, began to weep as I tried to explain how I wanted to do this same thing with my life. He grabbed my hands and told me that I needed to come on the missions trip the church was taking in Nov. and we needed to get to know each other, because one day, I would be continuing his work. I was so inspired. I went home and told my mom I was going to Africa at the end of the year. She looked at me for about 5 seconds and said "Ok then. You'll need a passport..."

The trip was everything I had imagined and more. I confess I think of it every day. The Vehorns' farm, the people, the children... I want to go back. And I want to stay.

But, in all this, God is weaving my life according to His plan. And I will do my best to never take it out of His hands ever again. My uncle told me recently that, for some people, God puts you on a path from a young age and your path is a straight shot to your purpose. And then sometimes, you will wind here and there and to this country and that, and minister here and then go pursue this and love that person or be on that mountain top. He told me that, if he knows anything about me, he is quite sure I don't have a straight path, but that God is with me nonetheless. And He will guide the twists and turns He has set before me with great ease. I believe him.

I don't know how many people will read this blog I am starting now, but I hope that I touch someone with it. This journey, when pursued with God, is unlike anything else. His word says that He has fashioned for our lives plans to prosper, plans to give you a hope and a future [Jer 29:11], but we have to follow Him to find this hope and these amazing plans.