a dream realized

I never make resolutions.

..But something I've been wanting to do for a while is start a blog. 2009 was the most amazing year of my life. Being that I'm only 19, this may not say much. Let me explain.

on January 19th, 2009, I had just gotten back into town from visiting friends in the upstate. I had traveled there with two of my very good friends and my younger brother, Josh. It hadn't been the past of holidays and the new year wasn't looking to promising, to say the least. But when I got home from this fun, refreshing, relaxing weekend, I couldn't figure out why I was still so melancholy and simply... discouraged with life. So I went to a coffee shop to sit and think a bit. I called one of the friends I had been traveling with earlier that day. I basically told her I was tired of trying to do this life. It wasn't working out and God had obviously forgotten about me and the purpose my heart was still vying for. I told her I felt like I was standing in a stadium and everyone around me was screaming and cheering at something, but I couldn't find the cause of the excitement. That was how my life...until that night.

After probably an hour or so of sitting in the coffee shop's courtyard and crying on the phone to my friend, I left for home. I was only about 15 miles from my house, which left me little time to think and pray and very little time to compose myself before I faced the members of my family. And I didn't much care for that. I live close to the beach, so I turned off onto the south causeway of the island and began talking out loud to God. Before I knew it, I was traveling at about 15mph, curled over my steering wheel, weeping. I began to cry louder and even scream, "God, I just want you here! I just want you beside me!". I wanted the world, time, life to stop and to just be able to sit with Jesus and hear his voice. And for the first time in my life, I felt the true sorrow God feels. He showed me that night what it feels like to be separated from us. Separated because of our distrust, our busy lives, our thinking we can do all this on our own. I began to cry even harder. At that point, I knew I didn't deserve one ounce of His guidance, Grace, vision, or sympathy. And all I could say was, "I just want you here. I'm sorry, I just want you here with me. forever." That moment changed everything...

Suddenly, I felt Him. He was there. He could've been sitting in my passenger's seat, for the feeling of closeness I had at that moment. I, in awe, drove slowly down the winding marshy road at no more than 10mph, My tears subsiding, resulting in total silence inside my car. Peace flowed over me like I had never felt before and I literally began to audibly sigh over and over. It was all I could do.
From that moment, I probably drove around for another hour before heading home. I just talked to God, and the beast part was, I could hear Him talk back. He cared. My heart was filled with so much Joy at the realization. We talked about the past, about things I've hurt over, about the future and my direction, about Him and about me and our relationship. It was perfect.

Since that cold, cloudy night in January, God has been ever present in my life. And you know why? because I've learned that I have to let Him be.
After that night, I realized I'd been following Him as it suited me, and not as He wills. When you turn your complete heart over to God, He will accept it and do great things with you. This past year has not been easy. It's been the hardest, most painful year of my life. But I'm alive inside. Things have been dealt with. Relationships reconciled, hurts forgiven. And all because I've opened up and let Him put me through His fire. He told me once that I needed to lower the shields around my heart and let Him fashion His own, because, in my blocking out the pain of others, I was blocking out Him, the only one to could make it better. And in doing so, my eyes have been opened. I've never felt more love, more hope than I do this day.

One of the dreams He placed in my heart a long time ago was a passion for Africa. When I was younger, I had no answer as to why I had such an interest in the countries there, but I loved reading about them, loved seeing specials on television about them, and as I grew older, I wanted to go there. I wanted to see the people and their cultures. When I was about 16, God began to brew a desire in my heart for missions, and as I've grown in Him, my heart for Africa has grown as well. In November '09 I finally got the chance to go visit the continent I had dreamed of for so many years. My church Has supported missionaries my the names of Ronnie and Janet Vehorn in South Africa for over 20 years. Their story alone is life altering, and I'll definitely tell it sometime. Ronnie had come to speak at our church in June of '09 while he and Mrs. Janet were in the states. And I fell in love, immediately, with what they were doing to help this country and these people. I went to the back of the church after the service was over and, not knowing this man from Adam, began to weep as I tried to explain how I wanted to do this same thing with my life. He grabbed my hands and told me that I needed to come on the missions trip the church was taking in Nov. and we needed to get to know each other, because one day, I would be continuing his work. I was so inspired. I went home and told my mom I was going to Africa at the end of the year. She looked at me for about 5 seconds and said "Ok then. You'll need a passport..."

The trip was everything I had imagined and more. I confess I think of it every day. The Vehorns' farm, the people, the children... I want to go back. And I want to stay.

But, in all this, God is weaving my life according to His plan. And I will do my best to never take it out of His hands ever again. My uncle told me recently that, for some people, God puts you on a path from a young age and your path is a straight shot to your purpose. And then sometimes, you will wind here and there and to this country and that, and minister here and then go pursue this and love that person or be on that mountain top. He told me that, if he knows anything about me, he is quite sure I don't have a straight path, but that God is with me nonetheless. And He will guide the twists and turns He has set before me with great ease. I believe him.

I don't know how many people will read this blog I am starting now, but I hope that I touch someone with it. This journey, when pursued with God, is unlike anything else. His word says that He has fashioned for our lives plans to prosper, plans to give you a hope and a future [Jer 29:11], but we have to follow Him to find this hope and these amazing plans.