living fully alive

I found this picture in my external earlier. It's from a trip I took to DC last year. Every once in a while, I'll run across a picture that makes me do a double take, because (tooting no horns) it's a good picture. And then an 8th of a second later, I remember "oh yeah, I took that" and it makes me feel good.

My mom is a photographer. She did more before us kids were born and when we were little, but she still likes to fiddle with it and take weddings here and there. She still loves it. I've had people tell me that my desire to pursue photography wasn't my own dream, that I was pulling off of my mother's dreams because I was afraid of my own. Those people didn't realize the passion that I have inside of me for it. I've never thought I was good, just okay I suppose, but people really love my work.
For years now, every time I would look at one of my pictures, I would get this little ache at the point of my ribcage right in front. Not a happy ache (if those exist), but a sort of longing, and I didn't know where it was coming from. I've prayed a lot about it and I know now that it's because I feel like I don't have the talent or means of pursuing this passion. Like that ache that a person gets in their old age while thinking about what could have been, except I'm on this side, thinking of what I want to do, and not knowing if I would ever be good enough...

Good enough. a statement that has always plagued me. Satan knows my weak points and he uses them to the max. I love photography and I love that I have a God-given eye for it, and he constantly tries to take that away from me. I've decided that I'm going to photography school at RMSP out west this summer. I can't express to you just how terrified I am. Tuition like you wouldn't believe, and it all coming out of my pocket, moving 2,500 miles away from home for 3 months. No turning back. God knows I can't do this on my own. And, when this summer is through, everyone will know it wasn't me who made me succeed. I think He wants it that way. He gets the glory. And I'm fine with that. I'm just scared. The devil is trying to get into my head and make me back out and I can't let him. It's a hard battle to fight. But God is good, all the time.

Jim Brandenburg is one of the lead photographers for National Geographic. He's my inspiration. He's also a believer, and I love that God has placed him in such an amazing position as he has. He has the job I've always-ALWAYS-wanted. Maybe I'll be there someday.

Look at his stuff and be amazed - http://www.jimbrandenburg.com
Read his stuff too, it's just as good - http://jimbrandenburg.blogspot.com/

..maybe I'll be there one day.