I wrote a blog a few days ago and saved it on my computer so I could mull it over a little before I posted it. I wrote it while I was frustrated and emotional, so I wanted to make sure it was speaking the right things. I’m not gonna post it. I think a lot of it was issues manifesting themselves incorrectly.

But I will use some stuff from it, because what I was talking about was truth, it was just said in the wrong way. So Anyways….

God has been doing so many new things in me and teaching me things I didn’t expect to learn yet. It’s great stuff, but I’m being fought a lot too. Like I said in a previous post, when the devil sees you coming into something that God has for you, he’s going to fight you as hard as he can. I talked to a friend lastnight who was discouraged about the awesome things God is doing in her life, because satan had gotten to her head. And it excited me, because that means the devil is fighting her over something… meaning she’s doing something right! How awesome.

One thing He’s been teaching me is the art of trusting even though there’s lack of knowledge in us.

Your head may not understand, but your heart was MADE to trust God, and, though it’s an extremely conflicting thing – to have your head and you heart warring with emotions – it’s so cool, because, when you experience a peace inside your heart that your mind, reason, logic, etc. don’t understand, it means you’re experiencing God. You’re experience a glimpse of what you were made for. We may not even realize it – it took me a long time to be able to sense it myself – but when we experience things that make our head go ‘tilt’, our spirits rejoice, because, thank God, we’re stepping into a type of communion with God that is so out of this world [no pun intended :)], it’s beyond this natural realm we see!

Anyway again…

He’s been bringing me back to Jeremiah 13 over and over again, when He tells Jeremiah to go buy a belt and wrap it around his waist and don’t let it touch water…

What would it be like if God asked you to buy a pair of shorts, put ‘em on and don’t get ‘em wet…without telling you why? Would you be willing to do it?

God goes through many different steps of telling Jeremiah what to do with the belt, and only telling him ONE step at a time. So after God has already told him 1. buy a belt. 2. don’t let a touch water. 3. go to the river. And 4. bury it in a rock crevice. verse 6 says “many days later, God spoke to him…”

How’d you feel if God told you to do these things that seemed crazy to you, and then was silent ‘…for many days’ before He told you why He had you do these things?

#1 – God didn’t forget about Jeremiah, though He was silent.

Sometimes in life, we have to trust God hasn’t dropped the ball with us, and just wait for instruction.

#2 - the timing of all this was crucial to what happened next…

God told Jeremiah to go get the belt from the rock crevice, so he did. When he found it, it was “ruined and completely useless”.

Sometimes, we have to sit and wait, because, whether God is allowing time for your shorts to get ruined, or something else to fall into place, He needs patience from us.

I’m a go-getter. I don’t like patience.

Or I guess I don’t like situations that require patience.

I don’t like waiting.

I don’t like not knowing.

I’m a mess.

But Romans 8:25 says “If we look forward to something, we must wait patiently AND confidently” … In your patience, be confident that God will come through for you.

So, after all this.. after God told him to buy a belt, then don’t let it touch water, then go bury it, then sit there with no explanation for who knows how long, then go dig it up again…. Verse 8 says “Then the word of God came to me”… and God told him why He asked these things of Jeremiah and what would happen.


Sometimes I complain when things don’t happen on my time table in life. I feel I’m following God, I want what He wants for me, and I’m [theoretically :)] willing to do whatever it is. But it’s the time aspect that always gets me. Thing don’t come fast enough. I always want to be on the frontline of things, but sometimes we have things to learn first. Sometimes, we think we’re ready, but we’re not just yet.
God knows that, if I knew steps 5 and 6, 1-4 would get left in the dust, and I’d get down the road and realize I missed something somewhere. Maybe Jeremiah was like this too, because there ARE stories, like in Jeremiah 29:5-7, when He gives the priests and prophets from the exiles step-by-step instructions for their lives up front.
Do this, do that, be this and go here and you will prosper. Awesome, but I would be dangerous with such things. He knows that. And maybe you wouldn’t be. I just know I would be.

When I had to leave Africa last year, my heart broke, and I couldn’t understand why God wouldn’t give me a peace about just STAYING there, though I had been invited to do so. I was angry when God told me I wasn’t meant to go to school just yet… Hearing the weight of the world’s words on you that ‘you have to get an education, it’s the only thing that will sustain you in the long run…’ and then having God say ‘not yet’…it’s hard, not to mention such things as financial provision for the future. How is ‘not yet’ supposed to pay the bills, right?

But God knows. He knows what you need. He knows what’s coming and He CARES about it.

After all, the reason for my anger and my nervousness concerning provision was because there’s something about God’s character that I’m not trusting. Something about His goodness that I’m not believing. I don’t feel like He knows what is best, and when He speaks to me and says go buy a pair of shorts and bury them and doesn’t tell me why first, I look at Him and keep walking because I don’t trust that He will bring something out of it.


I never mean to preach at anyone. It’s not my aim at all. I’m just sharing life… sharing the things I’ve learned in hopes that they’ll help someone else.

So if there’s anyone else dealing with similar things, know you’re not alone.

And if you’re dealing with the opposite – if you feel like you’ve been handed too much and you don’t know if you can take it – God will never give you something you can’t handle. You hear the phrase “I know He’ll never give me something I can’t handle, I just wish He didn’t trust me so much”… that’s true, I suppose, and kinda funny, but in reality, if He’s giving you something you don’t feel like you can handle, it’s because He wants you to take it to Him and ask for help. He says ‘in OUR weakness, HE is strong”.

Let Him help you.

Have hope today.

"The heart is capable of responding to things the mind can't yet perceive." - Bill Johnson.

First post since my vow to continue sharing my life with you, whomever you may be...
It'll be short, as I am packing fervently for a trip and running out of time faster than that. But Thoreau said, "Write while the heat is in you", thus this rambling...

An epiphany has just hit my head, or my heart, rather. Seems as though it's hit my head many times in the past, but I suppose my heart has just come into a place to receive it.

I have joy (not the epiphany), yes. And I share it with others (not it). But I'm choosy as to whom I bless with it. I realize I've felt as if it's mine to control.
(cue epiphany...)

It's not.

God gave me joy. Something that, as a child/teen, was sparse. Something I strove for. I was prophesied over in July of last summer that I would begin to experience great joy in the next few years in my walk with God and in my walk with others. OTHERS.

I have. It's begun, and I love it.

Why do I feel like, just because somebody has hurt me, broken trust, etc., I have a right to withhold contagious joy from them? It seems such a trivial understanding, once you understand it. gah, that's annoying.

Bill Johnson said you can't simply experience "Kingdom Joy" Spiritually. It will find a way to manifest itself physically as well.

Otherwise it will die.

Joy is given to a person for that person's use and enJOYment (<--see what I did there? baha), yes, but it was also meant to be used as a tool in your "spiritual tool belt", if you will.

I like my joy. I don't want it to die.

Don't let your joy die, please.


Oh and another thing (afterthought, sorry), if you don't have joy, and you want joy, try giving yourself away.

Give time. laughter. love.

love someone. love love love more.


serve. give joy to someone else. it will come back.

I'm reading The Purpose Driven Life.

Chapter five is entitled "Seeing Life From God's View" and in it, Rick asks what your view of life is, whether it be a roller coaster, a journey, etc.
The first thing that came to mind was that life is a canvas, and not only is God the Artist, He is the Art Teacher, teaching us how to do this thing called 'life'.

Rick went on to point out the three things the Bible says life is, and number one is that life is a test.. And that one of the most important tests in life is how you act when you can't feel God's presence (He referred to the story of Hezekiah in 2 Chronicles 32:31)
Sometimes, God withdraws His presence from us to test our character and reveal our weaknesses, and, by doing so, He prepares us for more responsibility.

Lately, even though I feel like I'm in such a crucial place in life, especially with school looming, I feel like God has backed off a bit. I haven't really understood it and it's been frustrating, to say the least. So after I read this, I decided to back up and look at the difference in my own self and choices when I don't feel God's presence..
And the I've found is sad.

When He isn't around...

I worry about money.

I will deal with pain before I will pray for it's healing.

I'm more prone to immoral thinking and, beyond that...

justifying immoral thinking.

I pick fights, especially in the family, to solve problems.

Instead of backing up and making sure I'm not in the wrong,
I assume I'm right all the time.

And another thing I don't want to admit to, though it's the truth...

I spend more time wandering in my imagination instead of in reality...

because, once again, without God's presence and, therefore, without His peace for the present, and hope for the future,

life is a terrifying place to spend your existence.

In everyday life, without God, I become a coward to the hard parts of it all and my first instinct is to retreat.

Now that I noticed this, I began praying and asking Him why He's doing this. What is He trying to teach me at such a pivotal point in life? And for the first time in over a week, I heard Him speak clearly to me.

He basically said He needs to see how much I'll strive for Him.

When He is ever-present and I can call on Him, His guidance, and His peace anytime I want it, It's easy to want Him and everything He has to offer, but what about when He is no longer convenient? What about when He isn't the easiest choice or the easiest to find? What lengths will I go to to be with Him?
He then paused while I pondered this 'slapping-of-the-spirit', if you will, and then, clear as a winter's night, He said, "How bad do you want me?"

How badly do I want him...

Enough to forget physical desires, even when I feel like He's not around?
Enough to focus on the life in front me instead of pulling off silly imaginings to keep me comforted?
Enough to daily persevere in the growing of my spirit, even if the Art Teacher isn't in the classroom?

I sat there a while, trying to answer those questions.

This is where the road forks. I, right now, have the decision to make.
Do I want Him badly enough to give up what I want, the things my body and mind want, and make chase of Him, when all I see is black and I can't hear His voice anymore?

Even to the point of giving up my dreams, though they may have been God-given, to follow Him elsewhere, if He asked me to?

Badly enough to take up the cross in front of me?

Talk about a breakdown.

I may have said this already, but at the end of last year, I asked God how He was going to top last year for me, because last year was just so great, and I fell like He looked at me, chuckled, and said "Poof... your life just got hard and complicated and awesome. now go!". The challenges I'm currently facing are completely God given and completely beyond my previous experiences or previous comfort zones.

At the end of last year, I felt like God was telling me to go to Photography school in Montana. I had been contemplating starting Tech before I went to Africa, but I could never acquire a peace about it. Mom always told me to follow my peace, so I didn't do it (right move, I believe). I resolved, once the new year rang in, to call the financial aid company and apply for a $13,000 loan to put me through photography school that was less than 6 months away. In the same day, I got denied the loan, just like that, and things began falling apart in my head.
God had begun, at the end of last year, to impress upon me that, in this year, I was now going to have to take what I'd learned throughout my short little life experiences and begin applying it to life situations. I began noticing more and more examples of faith and the power it holds and the need for it. Through all this, and through many other conversations, God brought to my attention the need for me to strengthen my faith. He told me I would need it for the life He has for me and it would begin with this year.

And so, here I am, I've just gotten denied the means of getting to school and I have no idea what to do, because I feel very strongly that it's what God told me to do and now I have no way to go! And then the light bulb comes on, and here I am, realizing that I'm relying on the works of man to fulfill a calling God
has spoken.

SO.. all this to say, ever since my dad told me I shouldn't send in the $50 registration fee or the $500 tuition deposit until I knew I could get the money and then I got denied that loan, I've realized this isn't going to come about by my own doing. I sent in the application, got accepted, and last Monday sent in my $500 non refundable deposit. I feel that, if I don't do this, I'm robbing God of a chance to glorify Himself. It doesn't send much glory his way to say, "yes, He told me to do it, but I didn't have the money, so I got scared and backed out, but I'm sure He would've provided had I done it...".
I don't know where this money is coming from, but I cannot describe this peace, which leads me to the conclusion it's from Him. I shouldn't have it, I'm broke, but I do, and so I'm acting. I want to cry sometimes when I think of the patience and perseverance I'll have to exercise in the next few months, it's never been my strong point, but I feel like, if I don't do it, I'll always stay in this comfort zone.
All that to say, I have to have $3,500 by April 1st and only God knows where it's coming from. I have to have another $3,500 by May 1st and again, no idea how I'll get it. And, once again, I'll have to have an approximate addition of $5,000 for living, and for travel up there, back, and while I'm there. This all is beyond my finite self and I'm a bit nervous.
So this is my life right now. At some point soon, I'm hoping to be back in Africa for a while. One of my major arguments when He told me to go to school was that I didn't want to be in debt afterwards because I wanted to go back to Africa and maybe other places. This is when that foreign concept of God supplying all my needs according to His riches popped into my head and heart. So this is what I'm banking on (pun intended :]).

God is good, I cannot forget that. He also has a plan and if I'm walking in love with Him, He will guide me down this path, however littered and bumpy it may be, and He will provide the means of achieving all that He's meant for me to be. His word says "FAITH comes by HEARING and HEARING by the WORD.". I have to delve into His Word in order to keep this mindset. This, I shall do.

"Against all hope, Abraham HOPED... WITHOUT WEAKENING his faith, HE FACED...being FULLY persuaded that God had THE POWER" - Romans 4:17-21

Word.

a dream realized

I never make resolutions.

..But something I've been wanting to do for a while is start a blog. 2009 was the most amazing year of my life. Being that I'm only 19, this may not say much. Let me explain.

on January 19th, 2009, I had just gotten back into town from visiting friends in the upstate. I had traveled there with two of my very good friends and my younger brother, Josh. It hadn't been the past of holidays and the new year wasn't looking to promising, to say the least. But when I got home from this fun, refreshing, relaxing weekend, I couldn't figure out why I was still so melancholy and simply... discouraged with life. So I went to a coffee shop to sit and think a bit. I called one of the friends I had been traveling with earlier that day. I basically told her I was tired of trying to do this life. It wasn't working out and God had obviously forgotten about me and the purpose my heart was still vying for. I told her I felt like I was standing in a stadium and everyone around me was screaming and cheering at something, but I couldn't find the cause of the excitement. That was how my life...until that night.

After probably an hour or so of sitting in the coffee shop's courtyard and crying on the phone to my friend, I left for home. I was only about 15 miles from my house, which left me little time to think and pray and very little time to compose myself before I faced the members of my family. And I didn't much care for that. I live close to the beach, so I turned off onto the south causeway of the island and began talking out loud to God. Before I knew it, I was traveling at about 15mph, curled over my steering wheel, weeping. I began to cry louder and even scream, "God, I just want you here! I just want you beside me!". I wanted the world, time, life to stop and to just be able to sit with Jesus and hear his voice. And for the first time in my life, I felt the true sorrow God feels. He showed me that night what it feels like to be separated from us. Separated because of our distrust, our busy lives, our thinking we can do all this on our own. I began to cry even harder. At that point, I knew I didn't deserve one ounce of His guidance, Grace, vision, or sympathy. And all I could say was, "I just want you here. I'm sorry, I just want you here with me. forever." That moment changed everything...

Suddenly, I felt Him. He was there. He could've been sitting in my passenger's seat, for the feeling of closeness I had at that moment. I, in awe, drove slowly down the winding marshy road at no more than 10mph, My tears subsiding, resulting in total silence inside my car. Peace flowed over me like I had never felt before and I literally began to audibly sigh over and over. It was all I could do.
From that moment, I probably drove around for another hour before heading home. I just talked to God, and the beast part was, I could hear Him talk back. He cared. My heart was filled with so much Joy at the realization. We talked about the past, about things I've hurt over, about the future and my direction, about Him and about me and our relationship. It was perfect.

Since that cold, cloudy night in January, God has been ever present in my life. And you know why? because I've learned that I have to let Him be.
After that night, I realized I'd been following Him as it suited me, and not as He wills. When you turn your complete heart over to God, He will accept it and do great things with you. This past year has not been easy. It's been the hardest, most painful year of my life. But I'm alive inside. Things have been dealt with. Relationships reconciled, hurts forgiven. And all because I've opened up and let Him put me through His fire. He told me once that I needed to lower the shields around my heart and let Him fashion His own, because, in my blocking out the pain of others, I was blocking out Him, the only one to could make it better. And in doing so, my eyes have been opened. I've never felt more love, more hope than I do this day.

One of the dreams He placed in my heart a long time ago was a passion for Africa. When I was younger, I had no answer as to why I had such an interest in the countries there, but I loved reading about them, loved seeing specials on television about them, and as I grew older, I wanted to go there. I wanted to see the people and their cultures. When I was about 16, God began to brew a desire in my heart for missions, and as I've grown in Him, my heart for Africa has grown as well. In November '09 I finally got the chance to go visit the continent I had dreamed of for so many years. My church Has supported missionaries my the names of Ronnie and Janet Vehorn in South Africa for over 20 years. Their story alone is life altering, and I'll definitely tell it sometime. Ronnie had come to speak at our church in June of '09 while he and Mrs. Janet were in the states. And I fell in love, immediately, with what they were doing to help this country and these people. I went to the back of the church after the service was over and, not knowing this man from Adam, began to weep as I tried to explain how I wanted to do this same thing with my life. He grabbed my hands and told me that I needed to come on the missions trip the church was taking in Nov. and we needed to get to know each other, because one day, I would be continuing his work. I was so inspired. I went home and told my mom I was going to Africa at the end of the year. She looked at me for about 5 seconds and said "Ok then. You'll need a passport..."

The trip was everything I had imagined and more. I confess I think of it every day. The Vehorns' farm, the people, the children... I want to go back. And I want to stay.

But, in all this, God is weaving my life according to His plan. And I will do my best to never take it out of His hands ever again. My uncle told me recently that, for some people, God puts you on a path from a young age and your path is a straight shot to your purpose. And then sometimes, you will wind here and there and to this country and that, and minister here and then go pursue this and love that person or be on that mountain top. He told me that, if he knows anything about me, he is quite sure I don't have a straight path, but that God is with me nonetheless. And He will guide the twists and turns He has set before me with great ease. I believe him.

I don't know how many people will read this blog I am starting now, but I hope that I touch someone with it. This journey, when pursued with God, is unlike anything else. His word says that He has fashioned for our lives plans to prosper, plans to give you a hope and a future [Jer 29:11], but we have to follow Him to find this hope and these amazing plans.