living fully alive

I'm reading The Purpose Driven Life.

Chapter five is entitled "Seeing Life From God's View" and in it, Rick asks what your view of life is, whether it be a roller coaster, a journey, etc.
The first thing that came to mind was that life is a canvas, and not only is God the Artist, He is the Art Teacher, teaching us how to do this thing called 'life'.

Rick went on to point out the three things the Bible says life is, and number one is that life is a test.. And that one of the most important tests in life is how you act when you can't feel God's presence (He referred to the story of Hezekiah in 2 Chronicles 32:31)
Sometimes, God withdraws His presence from us to test our character and reveal our weaknesses, and, by doing so, He prepares us for more responsibility.

Lately, even though I feel like I'm in such a crucial place in life, especially with school looming, I feel like God has backed off a bit. I haven't really understood it and it's been frustrating, to say the least. So after I read this, I decided to back up and look at the difference in my own self and choices when I don't feel God's presence..
And the I've found is sad.

When He isn't around...

I worry about money.

I will deal with pain before I will pray for it's healing.

I'm more prone to immoral thinking and, beyond that...

justifying immoral thinking.

I pick fights, especially in the family, to solve problems.

Instead of backing up and making sure I'm not in the wrong,
I assume I'm right all the time.

And another thing I don't want to admit to, though it's the truth...

I spend more time wandering in my imagination instead of in reality...

because, once again, without God's presence and, therefore, without His peace for the present, and hope for the future,

life is a terrifying place to spend your existence.

In everyday life, without God, I become a coward to the hard parts of it all and my first instinct is to retreat.

Now that I noticed this, I began praying and asking Him why He's doing this. What is He trying to teach me at such a pivotal point in life? And for the first time in over a week, I heard Him speak clearly to me.

He basically said He needs to see how much I'll strive for Him.

When He is ever-present and I can call on Him, His guidance, and His peace anytime I want it, It's easy to want Him and everything He has to offer, but what about when He is no longer convenient? What about when He isn't the easiest choice or the easiest to find? What lengths will I go to to be with Him?
He then paused while I pondered this 'slapping-of-the-spirit', if you will, and then, clear as a winter's night, He said, "How bad do you want me?"

How badly do I want him...

Enough to forget physical desires, even when I feel like He's not around?
Enough to focus on the life in front me instead of pulling off silly imaginings to keep me comforted?
Enough to daily persevere in the growing of my spirit, even if the Art Teacher isn't in the classroom?

I sat there a while, trying to answer those questions.

This is where the road forks. I, right now, have the decision to make.
Do I want Him badly enough to give up what I want, the things my body and mind want, and make chase of Him, when all I see is black and I can't hear His voice anymore?

Even to the point of giving up my dreams, though they may have been God-given, to follow Him elsewhere, if He asked me to?

Badly enough to take up the cross in front of me?

Talk about a breakdown.