living fully alive

I haven't blogged in a month and a half.

There are a couple reasons.

Sometimes, you just have to take a step back and not try to give the world answers.
And then what's left are the questions, muses, and difficulties of life, and those are often something I keep to God and my journal.

Also, today, one of my favorite photographers, Jeremy Cowart, began a "hashtag" trend on Twitter called #vhv ... though he has not revealed what this abbreviation means yet, he asked his followers to accompany this tag with confessions of questions and voices that run through their heads all day and night;voices that discourage them from dreaming. thoughts that make them question their abilities to succeed and do well. I replied with a second-guessing that reveals itself often in my head, that I'm attempting to force myself into having the photographic eye needed to succeed in the art I love so much, but after this, I began thinking about other things, and it brought to mind my blog. Something that I haven't been doing for long and something not many people "follow". But I realized part of what has kept me from updating recently is this attack inside my head, saying "what you're writing is of no importance, and even if it is, no one sees it anyway". Many times I've gone to write an entry and the devil has gotten to me first. I fed up with that.

I also read a blog post by another favorite photog of mine, Scott Bourne, entitled "If I Were To Go Pro Today" and part of his advice is "do the first thing, no matter how small". He explains - in much truth too - how so many amateur photogs want to soar high so early, but need to realize you have to get up and make something happen, no matter how intimidated you are, no matter how much you think it's a waist of time.

This I believe applies to many aspects of life - even to my doing something as mere as blogging. and beyond..

It applies to faith - believing in the smallest glimmer of hope when everything sucks.

It applies to current circumstances - when life has become boring and monotonous. You can change that, and you're going to have to make it happen, but it's going to be hard and long. It's going to require changes in people around you, maybe work areas, it's going to require an adaptability in yourself, and maybe in your family as well. And all this will have to be done one small step at a time.

It applies to healing - when shutting down is easier than long roads of pain, and after experimentally taking one huge, exceptionally hard step in the right direction, you realize how much farther you have to go.

In so many ways, my life entails each of these in this moment.

But words of Jamie Tworkowski come to mind, "You're not alone. There is hope."

Maybe I can continue you muse publicly now, because those words are true.